Une sorte de solitude légère

Today is my last day in STAR Taiwan.

I got a strange feeling, a feeling of empty.
It means that I will no longer sit on at the same place, I will have no more coffee or tea I serve for myself (sometimes by Weda), I will no longer fall sleepy after a quick lunch, and I will no longer write a mail via an address with the ending of @star-group.net...

Yesterday, it was my farewell bowling party (why bowling ?) with my dear teammates. I have been in STAR for 3 years and 20 days. So many things I left here : one master thesis, one break-up, one grandpa's funeral ceremony, about 300 translation projects and uncountable memories.

So many things passed by. So many things finished here. "It's just another beginning", if I said so, I am sorry, it seems there will be no more happiness in my life. "An end means another start." Come on... it sounds like a terrible circle to me. I have never ever wanted to get rid of anything happened to me.

This evening, I took the bus with Weda, got off at Shi-Da night market, just listened to some friends' complaints about job and relationship as usual. Suddenly, I wondered what kind of life I wanna have ? what kind of life I would actually reach to. It's an unrealistic question, I know. Sometimes, we cannot expect it, but accept it. We can change nothing, but ourselves. Plans never catch the changes.

I am no longer young. I am losing my courage little by little. I know if there are something I want to do, but I don't do it right now, I will never do it.

It seems now a good time for me to move on... My friends, if one day, I become a mid-age man, maybe bald and with a fat belly, would you still like to listen to my dream at that time ? If one day, my breath is no longer fresh when I get up everymorning, will you always stand by me just like yesterday we were back-to-back ?

--------------------------------------------

I wrote it in English because I hope I could share my feeling to all my friends.
Although I am not mastered in English, I can't either express what I felt precisely with English, my friends, I swear, what I have written was written in tears.

擇偶條件

小小感觸。

不知道從什麼時候開始，在我周遭可以看見或是聽見男人女人對於另外一半的選擇方法。

我認識的一群少數男人他們的選擇另一半的條件是：誰才是我真正愛的？

而我認識的一群少數女人她們選擇另一半的條件是：誰能帶給我最大的快樂？

或許這兩種想法其實男女都有，因人而異。不過，這個世界什麼時候變成這個樣子了？或許說，本來就應該是這個樣子。這樣的情況讓我想起來許久以前的一堂文學課，在探討書中主角究竟應該為了什麼而結婚的時候，我不經意的回答「應該是愛吧」。

語畢，哄堂大笑。

所以說，其實也許不是愛。男人要的是尊嚴；與此同時，女人要的是慾望的最大滿足。
這樣一講，就覺得女性好像是世界上最服膺經濟理論的理性主義者一般。我又一竿子打翻一船人了。

其實，我想說的不是男人或女人，而是人都會這麼想。
誰能夠讓我快樂，我就跟誰多一點。這似乎天經地義，無關乎自私不自私的問題。但是話說回來，那些為了另一半去拼死拼活，我所認識的為了別人而努力付出的傢伙應該都跟傻子一樣，是經濟學最大的敵人。況且，在經濟學中所謂的滿足是有邊際效益的，也就是說當同類型的滿足越多的時候，能填補心中的慾望效果就更小，隨著時間加乘，這種遞減的效果就更明顯。這也就是一般說的：「家花哪有野花香」，好像變成了全天下的男人都該給它犯上那麼一錯才是？

這樣說來，按照經濟現實，應該要盡可能的嘗鮮？讓每種滿足極大化嗎？

不是這樣的吧！我很高興這個世界上還有一句「反諸求己」這樣的話。「先不問別人能給你多少，而問問你能給別人多少。」Oops... 抱歉，我不是甘乃迪，也不是那種情操高尚的人。我只是一個覺得做人要互相，慶幸自己不是活在完全經濟學世界裡的小小理想主義份子罷了。


語畢，我知道我是個該死的碎碎念人。很抱歉在這邊鬼打牆。

走風塵

曲 - 周華健
詞 - 張大春

說孤獨只孤獨 出江湖入江湖
影模糊意模糊 看江湖笑江湖
敵無數友無數 闖江湖過江湖
停不住留不住 憶江湖忘江湖

天上的星辰算不得 亙古的英雄有幾個
人經四萬八千劫 生年百歲又如何
自己的江湖一雙腳 兄弟的情義何必說
尋常聚散十缸酒 慣習恩仇兩句歌

世間的男女皆寂寞 謎樣的悲歌為什麼
收拾刀槍看潮落 青春心事不須多
海裡的波濤算不得 人生的知己有幾個
踏遍風塵偶回首 無情有情都經過

---------------------------------------------

戊子年正月 與友相攜賞平劇
說北京 戰北平 爺兒們投軍入伍去
遙想DICO話當年 七擒七縱顏如玉
立言立馬長阪坡 應教冠者顯英雄

悲歡的離合總太多 悄悄一走幾個秋
百戰已無聲名裂 回首青春總太多
有情的人兒一道走 無情的人兒放水流
偶一回首十年過 浪擲錯愛為什麼

字裡的反話幾個懂 義氣的相挺何必說
天涯總有同行客 背靠背裡度沙河
滿天的星斗情意深 再望佳人佛前過
龍山寺裡霧朦朧 還道淚眼是婆娑